Archives for posts with tag: robofurries

Robotnik Is a Big Fan of Cosplay

Sonic's not usually a fan of James Joyce, but he heard Ulysses was "way past cool."

Uncle Chuck’s Treasure!
Writer: Angelo DeCesare
Penciler: Dave Manak
Inker: Jon D’Agostino
Letterer: Bill Yoshida
Colorist: Barry Grossman

The story begins as Tails gives his first inclination of being mechanically gifted: he’s built a seesaw! (Hey, we all gotta start somewhere.) Rotor (not Boomer!) then gives his most recent inclination of being fat, as he jumps onto it and sends poor Tails through the ceiling in a quick bit of slapstick. As the fox falls down, Rotor tries to catch him, but Sonic does the job for him. What a glory-seeker.

Something falls out of the hole Tails’s head created in the ceiling: it’s a map Uncle Chuck made to his “greatest treasure.” I don’t know why Uncle Chuck has a map buried in Knothole – the only backstory we’ve gotten so far concerning him is blatantly non-canon by today’s standards, and the current backstory (he was roboticized early into Robotnik’s rule) doesn’t allow for the map to be there either. So I guess this is one of those stories that kinda happened, but not quite the way they describe it. Continuity is hard. =(

"Sonic, why did your voice change when you said my name?"

The Freedom Fighters are ambivalent about the treasure being worthwhile, since money doesn’t have any value since Robotnik took over and presumably started paying his Badniks in motor oil and female Swatbots with short shorts. Sonic is quick to point out that Uncle Chuck was “our greatest inventor” (which again implies he was one of the Freedom Fighters) and that this treasure might be something they can use to defeat Robotnik. Or maybe it’s a bunch of baseball cards. Only one way to find out!

The treasure is buried at “Mobius Natural Park,” which is – like last issue’s Mt. Mobius – a really stupid name, given that Mobius is the name of the entire planet. The implication is that this is the only national/natural/naturological park in the world, maybe. Either way it’s a toxic wasteland now, as the gang finds out once they arrive and see that Robotnik’s been using it to dump his waste (eww). They follow the map and make it to the X, only to find that Robotnik has been tailing them to get his hands on the gold doubloons.

They decide to split up, which naturally means that Sonic has to rescue all of them separately. The hedgehog ruminates that none of the Freedom Fighters will last long in the toxic environment. I guess Robotnik’s immune because he lives in a big ol’ polluted city. Plus the guy’s probably part-machine anyway – he sweats motor oil and eats candy with oil in it in the second story. Either he’s a cyborg or he’s what that burgeoning robofurry fan from Issue 5 is going to turn into in thirty years.

Sonic actually does something kinda clever as he saves everybody – instead of pulling a Captain Planet and fighting the pollution around him, he works with it, getting Swatbots caught in sticky ooze (which leads to the wonderful line “Ooze responsible for this?”) and disintegrating a Burrobot’s drill with a waste barrel. This is the first time we really get a hint as to how the Freedom Fighters operate effectively – they work within Robotnik’s terms but tweak them to their benefit.

Anyway, they dig up the treasure, but Robotnik escapes with it before they can open it. Turns out Uncle Chuck was a sentimentalist – his greatest treasure was a bronzed pair of Sonic’s baby shoes. Dawwwww.

Sorceress in Distress
The culprits for this story remain at large.

It’s time for the annual “Fright Night party”! What, they can celebrate Christmas but not Halloween? Sonic’s a shrub of poison ivy, Sally’s a sorceress, Antoine’s a devil (ZUT ALORS), Tails is a two-tailed Ixis Wizard (aka skunk), and Rotor wins the prize for “I just didn’t care” and goes dressed as a bad report card, which basically means he’s wearing a sandwich board with writing on it. As usual, the main five Freedom Fighters are the only ones present (I guess they’re in preparation for the party and not actually there?) and Bunnie’s nowhere to be found. The early stories are really unclear about this – are the Freedom Fighters the only ones who live in Knothole? That wouldn’t make sense, but we never really see anyone else.

Sally finds all this conversation about other people unsettling and leaves to acquire a pointy stick to complete her costume. She orders Sonic and Antoine to stay behind, saying she can take care of herself. Raise your hands if you know what’s going to happen next!

Sally's on Team Jacob, just so you know.

Still in her sorceress outfit, Sally finds the perfect stick and seemingly makes a rock fly into the air – in actuality, it’s beneath a geyser, but nobody knows this. I say “nobody” because there’s somebody else watching – Robotnik has beheld the scene on his FOREST VIEWER and declares himself to be smitten with this powerful being.

"At last, I can make the ref give Sonic a penalty and get a free-throw, clinching my victory as the buzzer sounds! At least... I think that's how you play basketball. I'm much too comedically obese to have any idea how the game works."

Sally legitimately thinks her stick thing is magic and keeps trying it on a log. She’s been gone for a while – I hope they didn’t start the party without her or OH GOD ROBOTNIK JUST SHOWED UP TO COURT HER

“I will not waste time speaking of my emotions… since I do not have any!” Sally is overwhelmed by his gifts of deadly plants, oil-filled candy and awful poetry; furthermore, she knows that Robotnik doesn’t recognize her and that if she doesn’t play along, she’s done for. So she just kinda stammers out an excuse, and Robotnik drags her along to start their “spectacular but practical wedding ceremony” (that line makes me laugh). Sonic, who knew full well that Sally couldn’t be trusted to not get into trouble, follows discreetly.

So Robotnik and Sally the Sorceress are on stage with Robotnik’s WED-O-MATIC computer (I’m assuming it does nuptials WHILE U WAIT), and Robotnik asks to see a demonstration of her magical powers. Sally is completely incapable of thinking of any way out of this situation. She had the entire time Robotnik carried her to Robotropolis plus however long it took to build the WED-O-MATIC to think of something, and all she can do is stammer and gulp. When Sally fans look back on her great moments as a tactical leader, I’m assuming they skip this issue. >_>

BUT WAIT

IT’S

SONIC

Proving that speedsters are really broken in terms of powers, Sonic uses a “warp speed spin” to… make himself invisible. I know the Flash can vibrate his molecules through walls, so I guess Sonic can surely make himself invisible by… uh… running in a circle really fast? If this were a modern comic book from Marvel or DC they’d probably try to justify this with some pseudo-science malarkey about particles and matter and accelerating principles of gravity. In Sonic the Hedgehog #7, published by Archie Comics, our logic is “Let’s do it to it!”

Of course, it’s up to you which of these approaches is better.

INVISIBLE TORNADO SONIC makes a mess of the wedding and spirits Sally away to safety. Once they return to the Great Forest, Sally gets all tsundere on Sonic.

Baka the Hedgehog.

(I-It’s not like she wanted him to follow her or anything…)

Tails Wins the Gold Medal at Being Worthless

Before Mario and his ludicrously agile fat butt came along, Sonic already had an Olympic competition! Find out more – in this VERY ISSUE BE THERRRRRRRRE

Setting your own logo on fire is actually an act of vandalism in seventeen states.

Olympic Trials and Errors” (note how the title on the cover and the title in the actual comic don’t match)
Writer: Angelo DeCesare
Penciler: Dave Manak
Inker: Jon D’Agostino
Letterer: Dan Nakrosis
Colorist: Barry Grossman

New writer on the block! Angelo Decesare (or maybe DeCesare; Google gives me both results and the comic credits are in all caps) isn’t as prolific a writer as Mike Gallagher, but he pitched in a few stories in the pre-Endgame era. From what I remember, they’re in the same vein as Mike’s but a little more reserved and well-organized; I might be proven wrong as I review more stories, though. At least this one is more reserved and well-organized!

Sonic is playing baseball with himself while Tails watches. This is a hilarious concept to me – Sonic is just hitting balls and using his speed to catch them before they land, and Tails is watching and smiling and going “That’s why he’s my sports hero!” It might be better if he actually, y’know, let you play, Tails. It’s like the fox knows how useless he is, so he just takes any opportunity to brush shoulders with somebody competent and runs with it. Speaking of running with it, Sonic runs into a wall. This is the third issue in a row somebody has run into a wall. What.

…okay, in Sonic’s defense, he wasn’t watching where he was going. On the other hand, the thing he ran into was a huge stadium with an ugly Robotnik face painted all over it, and Sonic and Tails both act like they’ve never seen it before. There’s a Swatbot just hanging out by the entrance, and he relays a message to Sonic and Tails: Robotnik wants to challenge the Freedom Fighters to the Robotropolis Olympic Games. If they can win at least one out of four events, Robotnik will return Mobius to normal. If they lose, they become robots. There is absolutely nothing fishy about this at all – Sonic is fully aware it’s a trap, but he insists the team do it because he thinks he’s that amazing and he’ll win every event himself.

"Dammit kid, didn't I -just- say I was going to do everything myself? Why don't you watch me run in circles for an hour or something; what a treat that'll be for ya."

So Antoine basically tells Tails the truth: he’s useless and can’t do anything. The kid is saddened and goes off and nobody goes to comfort him. Sonic calls after him and Sally gives Antoine a shove. That’s it. What a great family environment! Not that Tails needs it; he perks up in the very next panel, having realized that he can make a sculpture of Sonic once he wins. He’s a trooper alright!

They arrive the next morning at the stadium, and Robotnik asks a Swatbot if he went through with the plan – to steal Sonic’s “special sneakers” and replace them with “special, look-alike, energy-draining sneakers” Robotnik came up with. It’s weird – they keep hinting throughout this story that Sonic gets his speed directly from his sneakers, but they never come out and say it; the only thing special about them is the fact that they don’t burn out. The Swatbot threw the sneakers in the trash. This is a trivial detail that will never come up again.

Sonic prepares to do a few warm-up laps as the team (minus Tails) cheers him on from the sidelines; Boomer’s even waving a little ‘S’ flag. But with a mighty ZZUNK, Sonic’s energy is drained. Antoine… actually starts acting cowardly, which is kinda neat, given that he’s mostly just been a doofus in these first issues and not an outright coward. Robotnik prepares the “portable robot making machine,” and… y’know, I can’t keep coming up with all these half-baked jokes on all the different names they’ve given the roboticizer. There’s been at least three of them! (names, not jokes)

But wait! Sally says the rest of the team will compete in Sonic’s place. This… goes about as well as you’d expect it to.

I have absolutely no idea what this trollface bunny is supposed to be. He was on the cover of the first issue too!

Meanwhile, Tails is scrounging around in the trash since THAT’S WHERE HE BELONGS. Okay, he’s just looking for pieces of scrap metal for Sonic’s sculpture, but instead he finds…

…wait for it…

………………

…………………………………………..the FREEDOM EMERALDS

!!
(okay what do you think he actually finds)

Antoine is racing Robotnik’s fastest Buzzbomber and is obviously losing. Luckily, Sonic reappears, ZZUNK-free, and creates a cloud of dust so intense that Buzzbomber actually runs backwards, costing him the race. I don’t know how Antoine wasn’t affected by this, especially given that the Buzzbomber was right at the finish line, but hey. Robotnik orders them to be robot-machine-makerized anyway, but Sonic destroys the machine and the bad guys flee in terror (including trollface bunny, who just kinda flops around awkwardly).

Story karma is actually in effect at the end here: Tails’s running ends up saving the day, and Antoine the blowhard ends up passed out from the race. This is another issue where somebody other than Sonic gets to do something (in this case Tails), but it was still basically just helping Sonic save the day. WHERE IS BUNNIE WE WANT BUNNIE

Chomp on This, Chump!
Another unlisted story. Sounds like the usual suspects from the first story though.

Boomer is excited! Why is Boomer excited? Because:

  1. He found an ad for a nifty ant farm in a magazine
  2. He doesn’t have to eat Sally’s inedible pancake batter, which could probably break somebody’s skull

Nobody else seems to care about this ant farm, but Boomer is undeterred, and he’ll spend whatever the Mobian equivalent of money is (I still don’t think we know) ordering one. Sonic makes a crack about how boring it is, and Boomer just responds with “Very funny, Sonic! I’m going to mail my order form right away!” with this goofy smile on his face. Haters gonna hate; Boomers gonna boom.

I guess he uses Knothole as a shipping address. This would be bad enough on its own, but guess who’s actually sending the ant farm out? That’s right – it’s all a scam by Robotnik! This is at least the third or fourth time he’s learned about Knothole in nine issues. It’s right there on the envelope. ajfjkpjdslkslksfdlnjsljm

In lighter news, Robotnik makes the Swatbot holding the package wear a mailman’s cap. Such attention to detail is truly breathtaking.

Back at the secret entrance to Knothole Village (which is even labeled as such by a text box… they’re just rubbing it in our faces now, aren’t they), Boomer goes to open his ant farm, but surprise! It’s a termite. Specifically, a “Termite-Nator,” which eats anything made of wood or paper, and the more it eats, the bigger it grows. This has bad implications for the Freedom Fighters’ hiding place of the Great Forest. Now Robotnik’s sinister plan is revealed! Surely he doesn’t just have the location already or anything.

The Termite-Nator eats their entire collection of furniture (ouch) and books (not MODERN PRINCESS MAGAZINE?!?) but Sally can’t bear to part with her favorite cookbook. Sonic then gets inspired: he recreates her awful pancake batter and uses it to weld the Termite-Nator’s jaws shut. Boomer then looks at the sticker on its back that says “Made in Robotropolis.” Is Robotnik even trying? At any rate, the robot gets shipped back to the city, reprogrammed to eat metal instead. Hilarity ensues. Or something.

There’s actually some funny filler here:

This time it wasn't Sally's cooking! Sonic's just an idiot.

Sonic-Grams has two pages! Highlights include:

  • New editors Victor Gorelick and Paul Castiglia trying really, really hard (“Remember, always BRAKE for BLUE Hedgehogs” what)
  • The matter of Sonic’s max speed is decided once and for all: “In the time it takes the read this, Sonic can visit all the planets in the universe (even the ones we don’t know about yet) and still be home for dinner!” welp
  • Some kid makes his mom bring a comic he forgot to camp
  • Mario being compared to Robotnik in what I guess is an in-universe version of Godwin’s Law
  • Action figures and trading cards “on the way”… did we ever get these for Archie?

The best – the absolute best – has to be this letter, which I will type in full:

“Dear Crabmeat,
You’re my favorite Badnik. I think Dr. Robotnik should treat you better. Do you have a best friend? If you do, who is he? I’m 8 years old. How old are you? Does Robotnik make any girl crabs?

Zach Abram
St. Charles, MO.”

Writing in to villains isn’t too bad – Robotnik gets a few letters from time to time. It’s the ending of this letter that’s awkward. Zach Abram wants to ask a female version of Crabmeat on a date. He’s a burgeoning robot furry. It’s kind of awkwardly adorable.