Robotnik Is a Big Fan of Cosplay

Sonic's not usually a fan of James Joyce, but he heard Ulysses was "way past cool."

Uncle Chuck’s Treasure!
Writer: Angelo DeCesare
Penciler: Dave Manak
Inker: Jon D’Agostino
Letterer: Bill Yoshida
Colorist: Barry Grossman

The story begins as Tails gives his first inclination of being mechanically gifted: he’s built a seesaw! (Hey, we all gotta start somewhere.) Rotor (not Boomer!) then gives his most recent inclination of being fat, as he jumps onto it and sends poor Tails through the ceiling in a quick bit of slapstick. As the fox falls down, Rotor tries to catch him, but Sonic does the job for him. What a glory-seeker.

Something falls out of the hole Tails’s head created in the ceiling: it’s a map Uncle Chuck made to his “greatest treasure.” I don’t know why Uncle Chuck has a map buried in Knothole – the only backstory we’ve gotten so far concerning him is blatantly non-canon by today’s standards, and the current backstory (he was roboticized early into Robotnik’s rule) doesn’t allow for the map to be there either. So I guess this is one of those stories that kinda happened, but not quite the way they describe it. Continuity is hard. =(

"Sonic, why did your voice change when you said my name?"

The Freedom Fighters are ambivalent about the treasure being worthwhile, since money doesn’t have any value since Robotnik took over and presumably started paying his Badniks in motor oil and female Swatbots with short shorts. Sonic is quick to point out that Uncle Chuck was “our greatest inventor” (which again implies he was one of the Freedom Fighters) and that this treasure might be something they can use to defeat Robotnik. Or maybe it’s a bunch of baseball cards. Only one way to find out!

The treasure is buried at “Mobius Natural Park,” which is – like last issue’s Mt. Mobius – a really stupid name, given that Mobius is the name of the entire planet. The implication is that this is the only national/natural/naturological park in the world, maybe. Either way it’s a toxic wasteland now, as the gang finds out once they arrive and see that Robotnik’s been using it to dump his waste (eww). They follow the map and make it to the X, only to find that Robotnik has been tailing them to get his hands on the gold doubloons.

They decide to split up, which naturally means that Sonic has to rescue all of them separately. The hedgehog ruminates that none of the Freedom Fighters will last long in the toxic environment. I guess Robotnik’s immune because he lives in a big ol’ polluted city. Plus the guy’s probably part-machine anyway – he sweats motor oil and eats candy with oil in it in the second story. Either he’s a cyborg or he’s what that burgeoning robofurry fan from Issue 5 is going to turn into in thirty years.

Sonic actually does something kinda clever as he saves everybody – instead of pulling a Captain Planet and fighting the pollution around him, he works with it, getting Swatbots caught in sticky ooze (which leads to the wonderful line “Ooze responsible for this?”) and disintegrating a Burrobot’s drill with a waste barrel. This is the first time we really get a hint as to how the Freedom Fighters operate effectively – they work within Robotnik’s terms but tweak them to their benefit.

Anyway, they dig up the treasure, but Robotnik escapes with it before they can open it. Turns out Uncle Chuck was a sentimentalist – his greatest treasure was a bronzed pair of Sonic’s baby shoes. Dawwwww.

Sorceress in Distress
The culprits for this story remain at large.

It’s time for the annual “Fright Night party”! What, they can celebrate Christmas but not Halloween? Sonic’s a shrub of poison ivy, Sally’s a sorceress, Antoine’s a devil (ZUT ALORS), Tails is a two-tailed Ixis Wizard (aka skunk), and Rotor wins the prize for “I just didn’t care” and goes dressed as a bad report card, which basically means he’s wearing a sandwich board with writing on it. As usual, the main five Freedom Fighters are the only ones present (I guess they’re in preparation for the party and not actually there?) and Bunnie’s nowhere to be found. The early stories are really unclear about this – are the Freedom Fighters the only ones who live in Knothole? That wouldn’t make sense, but we never really see anyone else.

Sally finds all this conversation about other people unsettling and leaves to acquire a pointy stick to complete her costume. She orders Sonic and Antoine to stay behind, saying she can take care of herself. Raise your hands if you know what’s going to happen next!

Sally's on Team Jacob, just so you know.

Still in her sorceress outfit, Sally finds the perfect stick and seemingly makes a rock fly into the air – in actuality, it’s beneath a geyser, but nobody knows this. I say “nobody” because there’s somebody else watching – Robotnik has beheld the scene on his FOREST VIEWER and declares himself to be smitten with this powerful being.

"At last, I can make the ref give Sonic a penalty and get a free-throw, clinching my victory as the buzzer sounds! At least... I think that's how you play basketball. I'm much too comedically obese to have any idea how the game works."

Sally legitimately thinks her stick thing is magic and keeps trying it on a log. She’s been gone for a while – I hope they didn’t start the party without her or OH GOD ROBOTNIK JUST SHOWED UP TO COURT HER

“I will not waste time speaking of my emotions… since I do not have any!” Sally is overwhelmed by his gifts of deadly plants, oil-filled candy and awful poetry; furthermore, she knows that Robotnik doesn’t recognize her and that if she doesn’t play along, she’s done for. So she just kinda stammers out an excuse, and Robotnik drags her along to start their “spectacular but practical wedding ceremony” (that line makes me laugh). Sonic, who knew full well that Sally couldn’t be trusted to not get into trouble, follows discreetly.

So Robotnik and Sally the Sorceress are on stage with Robotnik’s WED-O-MATIC computer (I’m assuming it does nuptials WHILE U WAIT), and Robotnik asks to see a demonstration of her magical powers. Sally is completely incapable of thinking of any way out of this situation. She had the entire time Robotnik carried her to Robotropolis plus however long it took to build the WED-O-MATIC to think of something, and all she can do is stammer and gulp. When Sally fans look back on her great moments as a tactical leader, I’m assuming they skip this issue. >_>

BUT WAIT

IT’S

SONIC

Proving that speedsters are really broken in terms of powers, Sonic uses a “warp speed spin” to… make himself invisible. I know the Flash can vibrate his molecules through walls, so I guess Sonic can surely make himself invisible by… uh… running in a circle really fast? If this were a modern comic book from Marvel or DC they’d probably try to justify this with some pseudo-science malarkey about particles and matter and accelerating principles of gravity. In Sonic the Hedgehog #7, published by Archie Comics, our logic is “Let’s do it to it!”

Of course, it’s up to you which of these approaches is better.

INVISIBLE TORNADO SONIC makes a mess of the wedding and spirits Sally away to safety. Once they return to the Great Forest, Sally gets all tsundere on Sonic.

Baka the Hedgehog.

(I-It’s not like she wanted him to follow her or anything…)

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